Love Ascending

Sunrise Over The Brooklyn Bridge And A Treatise On Love

I recently spent some time in New York City to attend my sister’s graduation from NYU Tisch School of the Arts. Congrats, Sis!!!

I also took in the vibrancy, culture, and general environment conducive to artistic endeavors. On my final day, I woke up at 4AM to trek to the Brooklyn Bridge to watch the sunset. As I sat there and took in the splendor of the morning dawn, my thoughts turned to those who fight everyday for the freedom to enjoy these simplicities, the marginalized and downtrodden. Those in captivity serving uncouth masters as slaves of labor and sexual exploitation. As the sun rose above the Williamsburg Bridge and city skyline, I renewed my vow and dedication to correct the iniquities in the world, fight human trafficking, and end modern day slavery. All of us should be free to witness majestic sunrises like the one that I had the privilege to witness.

This video is dedicated to those who are hidden behind the veil of darkness fighting for personal freedom. It is my hopes that you also enjoy this sunrise and think of those who require our care and love and dedication to freedom.

– Ascending Rabbit

My treatise on love was first published here. 

Facebook: The Wren Initiative

Twitter: @TheWrenInitiative

In Life and Death…



What would I die for?

Love. That kind of love that asks us to drop all of our internal crying walls and truly know its healing essence. That kind of love that we should all open ourselves to before the inevitable end of our physical being turns our capability to love into ash. That kind of love that can transcend any regret we hold in our hearts over past deeds, freeing us. That kind of love we can pass into effortlessly and know that it is ok to embrace death, for we have known the living thrum of the world. Love.

What would I live for?

Love. That kind of love that shoots like a rocketing comet through the entirety of your being, transforming you into a giant that walks the world. That kind of love that is a mighty flame raised and passed forward unconditionally, freely. That kind of love that knows unilateral forgiveness and compassion for your fellow humans no matter the consequences. That kind of love that presents itself through the clear eyes of one who walks deeply in unison with its power, free from judgement, free from the self. That kind of love that gives you the freedom to free others. Love.

Live. Die. It is the same for me.

– Living and Dying Rabbit

Help me die for love. Help me live for love. Help me #FightHumanTrafficking #EndModernDaySlavery and #BanishTheX.

Facebook: The Wren Initiative

Twitter: @thewrenproject


Inspiration Lost, Inspiration Gained

lost and gained
Let go from everything you think you know about creativity and inspiration. There are no rules. Inspiration is everywhere. It’s in the breath we take everyday. It’s in the gloom of a rainy day sky, or the warmth of a sunburnt day. It’s in the street gutter that we seldom look in and in the dirty nooks and crannies of a dusty room. It’s in the simplicity of a baby’s smile and in the wrinkles of an ancient hand. It’s in the orange you hold and smell before you peel it and in the sweet juice after you take your first bite. It’s in the rotting, discarded fish at the dockside filling the air with its pungent odor. It’s even in those moments when we aren’t trying and feeling the numbing chill of an indifferent world. Touch, feel, sight, smell, aural…everything submits to inspiration. If you ever feel uninspired, then perhaps you have closed yourself off to it and think that it is uni-directional from specific places. Be in every moment and experience. Inspiration is always reaching out its undiscriminating hands to touch you.


I’ve always known inspiration. Seldom do I have any writer’s block. In fact, I have the opposite issue: too much to feel and say. There doesn’t seem to be enough time in the day for me to sit still and create art before I get whisked away by something else that intrigues me. I have to sometimes impose a discipline bubble around me in order to finish anything.

In the past few years, I have found deep inspiration in a great deal of sorrow that lives in my heart. I’ve written some fantastically sad songs and become something of a sad song specialist. Trust me. I’m very good at making people cry. Not sure if I’m actually proud of that 😉 It’s also been a driving force in some of the dreams I’ve had for the book that I’m writing, BOX. Profound sorrow is an intriguing place to write from because the exploration of it requires a person to become very comfortable with darkness. Of course, it can be exhausting to be inspired from this direction and I’ve worked hard to balance this out. I actually took something of a 3 year sabbatical from music and performance because I was fatigued from writing sad songs all the time. I think by now I’ve lived in sorrow enough to be able to let most of it go. I’ve created some of my best work in this space and it’s time to move in another direction.

let it in

Thankfully, I haven’t struggled hard to find a different kind of inspiration. I have spent the past two years as a conduit for the story of others and have found great beauty and strength in those around me. People never stop astounding me with their endless capacity for invention and creativity, humility, ego, frailty, strength, darkness, glory…our spectrum is abundant and fathomless. People are capable of such great change and also profound stubbornness. It all surprises me constantly.

I am also deeply inspired by the love we are capable of. For a long time, I considered myself incapable of allowing myself to receive love. I closed myself off and became somewhat of a one man island. Being a one man island can be incredibly liberating. I found a way to live a type of independence most people spend a lifetime searching for. I became a fearless juggernaut of advocacy for compassionate and non-judgmental living because I see the world for what it is: an interdependent mass of collected individuals. It became easy to fluidly move about without restraint, without ties to anywhere and without anything holding me back. However, being a one man island can be an isolated existence. Even though I am very comfortable with my solitude and my own skin, I do still need my connection to humanity…and to love. It’s easy for me to give love, but very hard for me to allow myself to receive it. There are few things in the world that can instill fear in me and yet, I fear myself the most. I fear my capacity to reach into the coldest parts of my heart and race towards an existence of pursuing oblivion.

To remedy this, I have had to slowly find a way to allow myself to be loved. Inch by inch, I have come back into the world and it gives me a new set of inspiration to draw from. I have even allowed myself to have wonderful intimate relationships, living in all of their passionate insanity instead of shying away from it all.  A great philosophical mind and friend of mine, Alexandros Pagidas (visit his site: Idealism in Practice), said to me once that men like us carry the capacity to fall into crazy, compromising love, not because we are self-destructively uninhibited, but, simply put, because we can handle it. Whereas, most people, are too careful with loving. We carry the strength to deal with love’s roller coaster and he encouraged me to come back to that strength and live fully in it. It has been most inspiring to remember that I have this within me and I thank him for this reminder, for it has allowed me to begin creating art from an even more inspiring direction. In this way, I am ever unlocking my own box and hopefully, I can serve as an instrument for you to unlock your own box, also.

box still good version

I leave you with the lyrics to a new song I will be performing secretly tonight somewhere in San Francisco.


To think I almost left the arms of the city…in the cold
To think the city was trying its best …to strike me down
To think there was only one way that I saw…around it all
To think I would have almost never touched you…before I crawled

Away from you
I almost found myself away from you
I’m ashamed to say

To think that every time I looked outside I only saw…my chilled heart
To think that everyday I thought that this…is all there was
To think that in a strange way the stars above couldn’t…bless this silly boy
To think that at the center of it all…stood the finest light

Away from you
I almost found myself away from
I’m ashamed to say

Oh, Aria
Sitting there in perfect divinity
Oh, Aria
How could I foolishly think that you were someplace else
Oh, Aria
Look at you. Love’s most simplicity
Oh, Aria
And I will never again go someplace else

– Inspired Rabbit

Cleansing Stream

By The Aegean

This is simply a personal stream post to quiet some pain in my heart. Sorry about the lack of context. It requires no explanation.

Should you kill me, do it with a kiss, slip me the slow knife with your lips, if you have to wrap your hands around my neck, then do it with love, out of respect, listen closely to my labored breath, it’s not for you to steal with dreams unfulfilled, away you go, away I stay, watching the distance unabridged, water parted, skin, sensitive to your damage done, rolled away with the rolling eyes, in your voice a laughter uninformed, power muted, sleep stoned, but I know it is you who is clipped and I walk away clean though diminished, but only for now, a sand in free fall washed away clean in the stream. 

……….Should you ever find this message………….I am forever sorry I wasn’t able to love you the way you needed in your dark hours.……….I tried the best I could, but in the end I was overwhelmed by the nature of your torment and fear ruled me.……….I hope that one day you find the peace that you need in your heart.……….And when you do, this boy will be looking for you upon the horizon.……….

– Muted White Rabbit

With Love There Is No Moderation – 10 Guidelines to Love

love fingers

Thread the middle way. This is a mantra I typically espouse and live by. However, I do believe in exceptions when it comes to loving someone in a relationship. I choose to love without moderation. Loving without moderation means that I may open myself up to great potential pain. However, I understand that being able to feel that pain is what gives love its fire. It fuels understanding of a joy that is undiminished or muted. The beauty of love is that within these extremes lies balance of joy. There is a difference between loving without moderation and seeking out manic love experiences. The former comes from a deep understanding of love. The latter is destructive and is typically born from addictive habits.

The following are some of the guidelines of love that I live by:

1. Love deeply. Don’t be afraid to go to those emotional centers that scare you. Let those walls down. Love is frightening, yet liberating. You will never understand its true power if you love with constraint and fear.

2. Love wisely. Loving deeply doesn’t mean you should give your love foolishly. Learn to recognize any destructive patterns you have had in the past when it comes to choosing partners. This may also mean to recognize any dissonance you bring to the table. Work on loving from a place of purity and clarity. Sowing the right seeds are critical.

3. Don’t hold anything back. Bend every rule you have for yourself that has ever held you back from truly loving someone. The irony is that those rules and walls that you have created in order to protect yourself hold you back from realizing love’s true potential.

4. Love is selfless. Living in love can unlock your utmost potential as a human being when it is given selflessly without personal gain. You may think that when giving love it must be reciprocated. However, this disrupts the natural flow of loving someone.

5. Love unconditionally. If you find yourself seeking quid pro quo, then there may be a flaw in communication within the relationship or you may be with someone who is holding themselves back. Recognize either of these two and address them directly instead of developing conditional love dissonance.

6. Love with a blank slate. Many of us will take on different lovers throughout our lives. Learn to recognize that each time you love it is unique to that singular experience and not fit for comparison. Each experience we have can teach us the different degrees and meanings of love. There is no need to make comparisons or cherry pick aspects from different relationships. Look for the best love in each experience and build upon the greatness that you have learned over time. Concurrently, you may have chosen to only experience love with one person your entire life. If you feel this person is your soul mate, then do not let doubt enter your mind. Wondering what else there is will lead nowhere but towards dissolution of the relationship.

7. Don’t fear emotional pain. This is akin to my 3rd rule of not holding back. Loving from a place of fear and doubt is unhealthy. I would much rather have known emotional pain than not have known love. Being afraid of pain is also akin to being afraid of failure. However, you fail before you ever begin.

8. Don’t mistake obsession or infatuation for love. Many of us make this mistake. We grow enamored by the idea of a person or become unhealthily fixated upon a person. It may be physical attributes or behavior attributes that we obsess over. This is not love. It is us seeing a partial picture of someone and thinking this fulfills the criteria of love.

9. Maintain independence. Maintaining ones own independence in a relationship is critical to not following a path of co-dependence when loving someone. I am a sucker for the romantic notion of not being able to live without the other half of your soul or the person you have given all of your love to if it is truly a great romance. There is a difference between saying, “I can’t live without…” vs “I can’t function without…” Though, even the former can straddle co-dependent territory. No matter what romantic notions I have, I still maintain my own independence in order to strike a balance with the person I love. The last thing I want is for my partner to feel they are critical to my well being and that I can’t take care of myself.

10. Love yourself. This may be the most important rule I have for myself. How can you give love if you cannot love even yourself? What you bring to the table is critical and if you come from a damaged state then you bring that damage to the love you have for someone else. You will try to fill the void of love for yourself with someone else. This is neither fair to the other person nor healthy for yourself.

These are some of the guidelines I have discovered in my explorations of love within the context of a relationship. Feel free to add to this list and let me know what guidelines you live by. I wish you all the love in the world!

– Loving Rabbit

Flightless Bird – 24

flightless bird

Forgive me if this post seems cryptic. My headspace is unclear as I try and source out what the universe is trying to tell me. For once, I’m caught in my own BOX. Perhaps it is best if I just stream my thoughts instead of making any cohesive sense of it all:

24 you haunt me as an hourglass breaking sand upon my eyes, you ask for sixth sense, balance, yet I tear at the seams and the scraggly edges are poking through from where I had them folded, give me a kiss on the the forehead to hush, give me some spite so at least I know you were not illusion bursting at me to believe, wild eyes, wild growl, stuck in me a spike on the loom where my heart dwells in dark places, it was the Lover asking me to gaze into your eyes, it was true, it was right and still is, but Time is sour and old and angry with me, he salts his hand and places it upon my chest and in his best interest tries to wither and break, I am unbreakable, I do not sour, but I’m misplaced, stuffed into a one buttoned bear stuffed in a dusty corner stuffed in an attic with no lamp or window to breathe free air, there to wait for when it is time to have my belly rubbed against her head and comfort her weeping heart…my flightless bird.

5 Myths About Buying Sex

I recently posted about the scale vs substitution issue surrounding the topic of whether or not prostitution should be legalized. In my post I also linked to 10 Things You Might Not Know About Women Being Sold For Sex and 10 Things You Might Not Know About Men Who Buy Sex. The information links were provided by a great organization called REST (Real Escape from the Sex Trade). They provide many services in the fight against human trafficking and sex slavery: direct outreach teams, mentors for girls exiting the sex trade, restorative housing, along with many other services. 

I was contacted through the comment section by them and was given additional information that I now gladly post. The following is taken directly from their blog which can be found by clicking here. Personal thank you to REST for the information and for taking up an important fight.

#1  Prostitution is a victimless crime. The most often stated defense of proponents of the legalization of buying sex is that it is a victimless crime.  Of working adult women in the sex trade, 82% have been physically assaulted; 83% have been threatened with a weapon; 68% have been raped while working; 84% reported current or past homelessness and 68% of women interviewed in 9 countries met the criteria for a clinical diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).(1)

#2 Prostitution is a free choice made by consenting adults. Proponents of prostitution argue that women should have the right to make a living using her own body. On paper, the arguments may seem credible, but the reality of prostitution tells a different story.  A survey of 169 women working in prostitution showed that the average age they were first sold for sex was 14, 75% reported being abused as children, 58% have been assaulted and an overwhelming 92% of women said they would quit if they could afford to. (2)  No young girl grows up dreaming to be bought nightly and assaulted by strange men.

#3 If Prostitution was legalized, it would be safer. Regardless of prostitution’s status (legal, illegal or decriminalized) or its physical location (strip club, massage parlor, street, escort/home/hotel), prostitution is extremely dangerous for women. Homicide is a frequent cause of death…” (3) In fact, 37% of sex buyers think that once sex is paid for, women are obligated to do whatever the buyer wants (4) and the average life span of a woman being sold in the sex trade is 7 years. (5)

#4 Prostitution Prevents Rape.  Some wrongly argue that prostitution prevents rape.  But, given that the average age of entry into “the life” is between 11-14 years old (6) – buying sex is often times rape of a child.  And even when the woman being bought is an adult, she likely has endured years of brutality. In fact, nearly a third of the sex buyers told surveyors that the acts they sought out from women in prostitution gradually changed and increased in violence, including more sadomasochistic sex acts and anal sex. One male sex buyer stated, “I have an easier time treating them worse.”(7These men become increasingly violent and more prone to rape as they see a woman more and more as an object to be used to gratify their lusts.

#5 Prostitution helps women earn income.  There are plenty of profits being made by a multi-billion dollar sex industry, but most often, the girl being bought and sold for sex nightly sees none of it. The overwhelming majority of women involved in street prostitution live in poverty, are frequently homeless, and use drugs and alcohol as a way to numb themselves.  The estimates for women who are under the control of a pimp are as high as 90%. (8) In one study, 80% of the pimps said that the girls and women did not keep any of the money they made so that the pimps “keep control” over their girls.

– See more at:


Stadium E

The BOX of forgiveness is not easy to break open. This is a lesson I have had to learn throughout my life: the ability to forgive not only others, but myself. Forgiveness is quintessential to self harmony and building a greater society.

I’m currently in Portland as I continue my book writing road trip. A friend from California happened to be visiting at the same time I rolled into town so we met up for dinner. As usual I engaged in philosophical discussion and our conversation eventually turned to the concept of forgiveness. My personal road to understanding forgiveness has been difficult and at times laden with the darkness of self doubt. I’ll admit I haven’t always led a virtuous life. Reconciliation has been hard to find and for a long time I spiraled down a negative loop of self hatred which permeated my being. I had to not only teach myself how to forgive others, but above all else learn how to forgive myself. This lesson has been crucial to removing internal dissonance that may breed within.

I used to think forgiveness had to be qualified based on rules and criteria which would manifest in internal questions. The questions that I held had to be rethought and deconstructed:

How could I forgive someone who hadn’t changed or learned their lesson? Wouldn’t be forgiving this person just be enabling them to continue their bad behavior?

How could I forgive those who had committed seemingly unforgivable atrocities?

How could I forgive those who had caused me harm?

How could I forgive myself for the harm I had done others?

Instead of forgiving wouldn’t it just be easier to forget?

All of these questions and many others have troubled me at one time or another and I know they trouble you, also. I have come to the conclusion that forgiveness must be unilateral. Yes, this is a seemingly absolute statement that I’m making and I know that I often state that absolutes are dangerous and non-existent. Let me qualify myself by saying that forgiveness must be unilateral in our current state of humanity in order for us to move towards a more compassionate state of being. Until we evolve into a higher state of being, forgiveness needs to be viewed thusly.

Why unilateral?

I had a new friend recently propose that it may be bi-lateral. That it takes two for forgiveness to truly work: the harmer to ask for forgiveness and the harmed to forgive. I can see his point, but this line of thinking falls into some of the categories of questions I posed earlier. If this is the case, then forgiveness really should be omni-lateral and encompassing all of society. However, we are not currently acting as one forgiving, compassionate mass. As it stands, it is up to the individual to spread forgiveness unilaterally inwards and outwards. It has to start with the one when consensus is lacking.

There are many religious and philosophic thoughts on forgiveness. The constant that runs through all schools of thought is that forgiveness is always the better road and outlook.

– Jesus Christ preached unilateral forgivenes: “And Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.'” Luke 23: 34

– The Qur’an makes it clear that, whenever possible, it is better to forgive another than to attack another. The Qur’an describes the believers as those who, avoid gross sins and vice, and when angered they forgive. (Qur’an 42:37)

– In Buddhism: “He abused me, he struck me, he overcame me, he robbed me’ — in those who harbor such thoughts hatred will never cease.” “He abused me, he struck me, he overcame me, he robbed me’ — in those who do not harbor such thoughts hatred will cease.”(Dhammapada 1.3-4)

– In Hinduism:  “There is one only defect in forgiving persons, and not another; that defect is that people take a forgiving person to be weak. That defect, however, should not be taken into consideration, for forgiveness is a great power. Forgiveness is a virtue of the weak, and an ornament of the strong. Forgiveness subdues (all) in this world; what is there that forgiveness cannot achieve? What can a wicked person do unto him who carries the sabre of forgiveness in his hand? Fire falling on the grassless ground is extinguished of itself. And unforgiving individual defiles himself with many enormities. Righteousness is the one highest good; and forgiveness is the one supreme peace; knowledge is one supreme contentment; and benevolence, one sole happiness.” (From the Mahabharata, Udyoga Parva Section XXXIII)

When we do not forgive ourselves we ultimately harm ourselves. We create a dissonance within that cannot be reconciled and this permeates and perpetuates into society. When we do not forgive others we cut them off to the prospect of our love and create walls between ourselves. It is an endless negative feedback loop. Does this mean that we excuse those who cause great harm to others? No, but if we harbor hatred for them then we are no better off.

Forgiveness is one of the hardest acts to not only commit, but to commit consistently. It takes great personal strength and recognition of great strength in each other to be able to forgive. I believe we all hold this strength within. We must help to bring it out in each other. Without forgiveness all other acts of compassion are meaningless and superficial.

– Forgiving Rabbit

Happiness Is Free Of Charge

Smile When You Walk Smiley Walker

[I hinted at this post a few days ago through FB. I felt I needed to spend some time to think thoughtfully on the subject before I could gain clarity on what I need to communicate. Also, this is not a quick read. I will be splitting this into multiple posts.]

Let’s unlock the BOX of happiness.

Happiness can be a simple concept, but we make it far too complex for ourselves. We create so many misconceptions around what it takes to achieve and maintain happiness that we have in turn created unhappy societies with great individual and collective divides. This is a solvable issue. It will take great introspection and consensus from many different aspects of society: social, political, economical, etc. I don’t have any notion that there is a quick fix. It is a generational solution that will take great leadership and a unified society to tackle.

I want to be very clear on a few details before I begin:

– I will be speaking about happiness from a current societal perspective and not about transcendental joy. These are two distinctly different concepts and I’m not sure if they can be resolved together…at least not yet (more on that in the future).

– The happiness issue cannot be condensed into any catchy top 10 list or whatever the general default consensus is on the subject which is floating around the mass media. Most of these solutions are based on consumer mentalities of attainment and personal empowerment which ultimately add to a dichotomy of noise and internal dissonance.

– The ideas I will be presenting are not absolutes. They are ever evolving ideas based on my philosophical, spiritual and data studies and mostly applicable to the societies that I have encountered. I am fully aware that there are societies out there functioning within a high happiness index. Again, not to be mistaken with transcendental joy which is applicable to all.

Enough with disclaimers. Let’s get to it shall we?

Pursuing and quantifying happiness vs. Having and knowing joy.

I posted the above pics to represent the omnidirectional nature of happiness (yeah, I know I’m only showing left and right). Happiness does not follow any predictable upward curve based on attainable material wealth. It is not a pyramid based on any hierarchy of needs. Neither is it a roller coaster ride alternating between swings of pleasure and pain or non-pleasure. Greater happiness can be and probably is a cultivated outlook of inner stillness and compassionate joy.

About a year ago I ran a social experiment out of curiosity. Out of a sampling of approximately 200 people I asked a simple question:

What do you want out of life?

A seemingly ambiguous question. There was a small percentage of outlier answers. However, the majority (80%+) response was, “I just want to be happy.” Of course, I had follow up questions based on each individual conversation. Otherwise, just walking up to people and asking a vague question would have been just a teeny bit awkward (then again that has never stopped me from my experiments!). Even though the majority answer was acceptable there was something bothersome about it. It wasn’t that the people I talked to weren’t happy. A majority said that they were happy with their lives. However, most could be happier. A conundrum. It took me some time to figure out what it was that bothered me about “wanting to be happy”. The conclusion:

Wanting to be happy suggests a state of pursuit and quantification of happiness vs a cultivated natural state of having and knowing joy.

Our constant pursuit of happiness through material wealth, career aspirations, comparisons to others, creates discontentment and inner dissonance. Some have argued back that they are very content at where they are in life. Those who argue this with me are usually from stable income households and on positive career tracks. There is a hole in their argument. A very good litmus test for this argument is to simply ask yourself one question:

Could I maintain a state of happiness if everything was taken away from me: material wealth, career, loved ones, support structure…everything?

I have been exploring this by living a minimalist life. I find the more that I let go the happier I am. In the absence of everything that we use to quantify our happiness, and seemingly our existence, we can begin to source out those things that can truly cultivate natural joy. The following are the basics:

– Social Connection. We can’t all be monks living on top of the mountain. We are naturally social creatures so contact with others is important. It helps us know that we are not alone in the world.

– Compassionate Connections. Along with social connection it is important to have positive, compassionate connections. It is an outlook of looking out for each other and treating each other as equals without ego hierarchies.

– Expressions of Love. This isn’t necessarily what you think this means. This is actually a bit tricky to address. We all have an internal bias towards those we deem closest to us through blood relations, intimate relationships or cultivated friendships. If we can step away from this bias, then we can begin to address each other, seemingly strangers, as loved ones. We can begin to see each other as reflections of love.

– Contributory Happiness and Independence. That’s a funny term isn’t it? I had a random conversation the other day about cultivating happiness for others and the person I was talking to said to me, “I have to take care of myself first in order to take care of others.” I countered with, “By seeking to elevate those around me, I thereby elevate myself.” Contributory happiness and independence is happiness and independence gained naturally by ensuring the happiness and independence of others.

– Equal Access to Equally Distributed Resources and Education. This is less about the individual state and more about the collective state which contributes to governed happiness. Before you throw out the lazy socialist or communist label at this truly think about this. Most data point to the fact that the more equal a society, the happier it is, the more productive it is. Equality maximizes societal potential.

These are my discoveries thus far. You may have noticed that no where do I mention attainment of consumptive material wealth, career aspirations/advancement, or personal self-empowerment gain. These things are not inherently bad, but they should not be standards to weigh happiness against. If anything, they usually result in a happiness divide within the self and society.

You can’t buy or manufacture happiness.

Happiness is free of charge.

– Happy Rabbit
[In part 2 I will explore what can be done at an individual level to cultivate happiness.]

Truth In Love

Sentimental Heart Breaking

I have always had to honor the open truth in any artful endeavor I set myself upon. At some point, all artists have to bear their crosses openly for all to see. It is a defining trait that makes us misunderstood, feared, and yet admired. Most people spend their lives hiding from inner truths. Artists have to make their stand against their deepest selves and tap this reservoir for inspiration. Life is not a bowl of roses. It is a contradiction of ups, downs, diagonals, slantways…

Sometimes I get sentimental working on this book of mine. It’s hard to avoid when I’m spending a great deal of time alone with only my thoughts for good company. I drift in and out of my memories in my daily musings and once in a while a song or something trifling triggers a lonesome regret or loss from deep in the buried corners of my heart. Sadness washes over me in these moments and I lose focus on what I’m doing as my mind travels the bottomless snippets of melancholy and hurt that I’ve never really let go, only filed away. I don’t know if these sad trappings ever really go away. They are there, sometimes as inspiration, sometimes as my nemesis. Once in a while, these moments paralyze me and I lose complete will for anything. As always, I catch myself from falling further and snap back to the current moment.

To purge these memories would be to blank out the building blocks of who I am now and my motivations for what I do which seem to contrast and work against what I am slowly becoming: doorway. I don’t know if I can ever reconcile the two without leaving one. What I do know is that my love is the troublesome kind. It is my weight. It is my cloud. It is my truth.

I know this is cryptic, but all will be revealed in BOX.

heavy heart

When I look in your eyes, I see the wisdom of the world in your eyes
I see the sadness of a thousand goodbyes
When I look in your eyes

And it is no surprise, to see the softness of the moon in your eyes
The gentle sparkle of the stars in your eyes
When I look in your eyes

In your eyes, I see the deepness of the sea
I see the deepness of the love
The love I feel you feel for me

Autumn comes, summer dies
I see the passing of the years in your eyes
And when we part there will be no tears no goodbyes
I’ll just look into your eyes

Those eyes, so wise
So warm, so real
How I love the world, your eyes reveal

– When I Look In Your Eyes written by Leslie Bricusse, performed by Diana Krall