Totality

heart_circle_wallpaper_by_backyardprincess-d4a2xts

Resist The Mediocre Divide

[This is a companion post to Fractured]

Totality. The sum of us all. I’ve been deeply pondering this lately as I face my own inner struggles and diagonal skewing of my heart. Destruction. Construction. is there a way out of this seemingly endless cycle? Is there a steady state of completeness that we may one day find? Or is this cycle an absolute necessity of life for it to properly thrive?

I don’t know.

My own experience of growth has always been an evolutionary and devolutionary process. Constant reinvention. But this is the heart of an artist and an activist. It is a heart that sees and observes and is never satisfied because it sees that we are capable of more than what we currently have achieved. This heart sees so much more in all of us and seeks to challenge and perturb and pervade and piss off…and be comfortable with a steady state of conflict within and without.

People disturb me and surprise me. As I stretch myself emotionally thinner, I find that I can only commit a certain allotment of bandwidth to new people coming into my life even though I have a deep desire to see everyone achieve greatness. Yet, I know that I cannot create this platform for everyone, for in order to so, means to give myself away and leave behind a used up husk. I can only hope that, through example, I can show others how to create this platform of drawing out the best and hardest of truths out of each other. To be in totality of conversation and presence. People fight me with their subconscious minds because many are working from a limited framework of understanding. And when I delve deeper into them they view it as conflict on the surface and fight and pull their hair and gnash and claw at my psyche, but seemingly after that sensation wears off a consensus of understanding matures and deepens.  And the realization that we can achieve depth among strangers appears. We only have to be willing to push past that framework of being small minded and help each other rile things up inside to discover conviction, truth, and purpose.

It is exhausting.

I must say ‘no’ more often now to these new conversations and minds that only know how to fight my philosophical heart. I have realized I am only one man in a sea of crushing mediocrity and that I need partners in this endeavor in order to remain sane. I can only say ‘yes’ to those whose eyes are alive the first time you look into them for I know they are the ones with the potential to transcend and push and scale with fortitude that tsunami wall. Do not misunderstand. I will not leave the no’s behind, but I cannot spend anymore energy engaging. Instead, for them, I can only push forward in example and hope that this is enough.

A part of me, the part that holds true to a promise I made a long time ago to a beautiful, little girl, participates in this society and struggles with its madnesses of wants and needs and dissonance in order to show a greater way of living. The other part of me, the one that is my true self, wishes only to go away and stop participating and leave others to their madness. It is a paradox. I made a promise that I mean to keep because if my word means nothing then everything I say is useless, pretentious drivel. But this promise is also my trap that I have created for myself. I can never truly be at peace. Yet, I can at least take solace in my solitary drive to be in service above myself. The promise I made is the singularly most important defining thing I have ever committed myself to and it will lead me down the darkest of paths. Whether or not I come out the other side whole and complete remains to be seen. If there is an other side.

And when I finally have the luxury of taking my final breath, I may smile and be in totality of myself. Free at last.

– Fractured Rabbit

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3 thoughts on “Totality

  1. Pingback: Fractured | The Wren Project

  2. “Destruction. Construction. is there a way out of this seemingly endless cycle? Is there a steady state of completeness that we may one day find? Or is this cycle an absolute necessity of life for it to properly thrive?”
    Here’s a thought you missed by only a few letters: Deconstruction.
    I’ve found that yes, it is an endless cycle, and that if you consider constant fluctuation a steady state, then yes, there is completeness; at least some of the time. But never all of the time, or, as I get you get, never say never.
    This may not be true for you, but I have found that if I deconstruct whatever it is that has me in reaction to the people out there that make me nuts, I uncover beliefs, constructs, traumas in myself as old as I am, and when I tease out what’s true from what’s not, I find that the people out there who sparked all this no longer have the power to make me feel fractured, let alone have me take that on as my identity, in virtual reality or in “Real” reality.

    Like

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