I Want To Be A Political Lobbyist In North Carolina

NC Postcard

Lobbying Groups FTW!

I recently learned that the great state of North Carolina has made it legal for lobbyists to purchase sex workers for politicians. Woohoo! I’m jumping in my car right now to make the long road trip to the greatest state ever, so that I can aspire to be a rich lobbyist and partake in copious amounts of sexual favors. Thank you North Carolina State Ethics Committee for making this ruling in favor of awesomeness and unaccountability. Your determination that sex has no value and that sex between a lobbyist and politician is nothing to report or in any way questionable means that a major loophole has opened up for lobbying firms. Now lobbying firms can hire people with the explicit goal to seduce and fornicate with politicians in order to garner favor. Yes!

I mean, it was just terrible when I had to hide my unscrupulous ethics in the ol’ shame closet. Now I can just hire sexual services, and I don’t ever need to register! I don’t even need to look into the background of these sex workers. I mean, who really wants to know that most sex workers are either currently, or have at one point been illegal trafficked sex slaves? This really is like being able to taste all the colors of the rainbow, if rainbows tasted like fruity, edible lube.

I even love the long-term implications of this forever party in my pants. Let’s say a politician does partake, yet the person who paid for the night of temptation was a less than honest broker. A few hidden cameras, some veiled threat that did not cross the line into blackmail territory, a night of infidelity could put a politician into a less honorable group’s pocket without major cost, and all now rendered perfectly legal by the Ethics Committee of North Carolina. I think I just jizzed in my pants a little. So much happy!

Lobbying is such a great practice for the republic and it should never end or be regulated. When our founders agreed that the people have the right to redress grievances and to petition the government, I bet they totally meant corporations or trade groups being granted superior access to the people themselves. Money is the greatest form of speech ever!

You gotta love this country. God bless the United States of America!

– From The Rabbit Lobby

P.S. Fuck you North Carolina – The Real Rabbit


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