Into And Out Of The Gates Of Apathy
Today I’m tired. I’m tired of thinking about ways to improve the world around me. I’m tired of trying to solve problems that are too big for me to solve. I’m tired of having compassion for people who only take and grind others through the mechanical gears of their trappings. I’m tired of standing up for justice and fairness and hopes and dreams. I’m tired of feeling alone and empty in a world gone mad with no place for the odd puzzle piece that is me. I’m tired of talking about finding happiness when it takes those willing to be unhappy to affect the burden of change. I’m tired of those who cannot see the difference between maintaining joy and chasing happiness. I’m tired of those who cannot see beyond their small minds and turn down the possibilities of a greater world in order to fit the world to their smallness.
I want to turn inwards and focus only on making my own life better. I want to chase that money and material wealth and boring comforts that will numb my mind to higher modes of thinking. I want to ignore the multitudes of people around me and shut down into a place more than a miles length away from the teeming hive mind. I want to be away from the yapping and idiotic conversations those around me hold with their little toy dog yapping ways. I want to break the faces of superficiality staring my way with their false smiles and indoctrinated pre-judgements. I want to be able to yell “Silence!” and have the world comply for once, so that the lips that move at a million miles a second shutter tight and ears that are filled with so much waxen filth clear out for just a moment to hear the crystal tine that tries to ring truth.
I want. I want. I want.
And then I realize how my wants make me just like them. Small in scope. Selfish in desire without a care for letting that desire go for greater living. Greater breathing. And then I realize that the fury that I thought was snuffed out was only softly smoldering, waiting to find a seam in my blanket of exhaustion. That blanket that is only a thin veil woven from desperation and sorrow and self pity. It burns away so quickly and I once again become that indomitable wrath that is inexplicably misunderstood as wild anger, but it is not. It is my tireless wellspring from which I draw to combat the iniquities of the world. It is the inner provocation that provides me with the impetus to defy. Anger! Defiance! Rebellion!
I have no more time for small talk. I have no time for the emotionally muted and stunted throngs. I am too busy moving forward to look back and see if you are still sitting there sipping your melancholic cocktail and eating your foodie heart out. When you are finished and wiping your mouth I will be up that hill sprinting to another world. That world over the horizon that is fair and just and teeming with the joys of peoples unleashed from their caged wants and desires to tap into an unbounded potential. I see it now. That flag waving for our right to peer with full sight, to hear with pure lucidity, to smell and taste the promise of inner freedom, beholden to no king or queen or president or congress who suffocates others for power. I will take that flag and raise it high above you lower masses and turn that elite pyramid upside down, burying the point deep under ground and all that will remain is a flat foundation with equal footing waiting for us to build that very world that sits on the edge of our minds, yet still just eludes us.
That is my anger. My anger is furious hope.
Fuck being tired.
– Rebel Rabbit